Saturday, April 11, 2009

Michael's afternoon visit

After work today I went into the city to meet Ethan at the veterinary hospital. I had already seen the photos of Chandler, so I was somewhat prepared. I cannot explain both the relief and sadness I felt at seeing Chandler. He was making a sound like I have never heard him make before, almost like a dying goose. Ethan showed me how to pick up him so as not to contact the surgery sites. I picked him up and sat down on a stool with him. It felt so good just to have my baby in my arms. I couldn't cuddle him and squeeze him like I wanted to, but holding him was amazing.

Chandler hadn't eaten anything since 10:00 Thursday night, so we needed to get him to eat. Ethan tried giving him baby food this morning, but he didn't take it. I put some of the baby food on my finger and Chandler readily licked it off. He ate several tablespoons of food this way. And now with the food in his stomach, they could give him more pain medication. Shortly after eating, Chandler started making that sound again, so we put him back in his cage as we knew he had to urinate. He definitely didn't want to. I think the pain he is feeling is from the bladder surgery and right now, peeing is very uncomfortable for him. There was a little blood in his urine, but we were expecting that. Once he finished I put him back on my lap. He was quiet for a few moments and put his head down on my hand.

We stayed with him for a few more minutes and then left as he was getting a little fussy again and we wanted him to rest. As we were leaving he started with the sound again. Ethan saw I was getting upset and told me to wait a sec. Once we were out of sight, Chandler quieted down.

It is such a relief to see him being active. However, I want him home. And still I know, he needs to be there. Once his pain is managed, then we can get him home. I miss him so much, but I know he's coming home soon. I want it to be a few days from now already so that he is over the hump with the healing and the pain. Seeing him all bruised and shaved is so hard. What is even harder for me is knowing that Chandler was not in any pain when we brought him in and now he is. I know what we did is for the best, but seeing him like this is so difficult. In my mind, he is thinking things like, "why did my daddy leave me here?" "why did he let them do this to me?" "does he not love me anymore?" I know that is not happening, but I still feel like it is. I just want him to know how much we love him and that we did this because we love him.

The best part of today though, was that I got him to eat. You cannot understand the joy I felt knowing that I got him to eat. This is going to help him so much. And it helped me as well. I feel like I did something to help him and heal him. It got rid of some of the helplessness I had been feeling. It gave me such comfort to feed him. And I like to think it gave him comfort too, having his daddy there taking care of him.

Ethan told me what a stark contrast it was between this morning and this afternoon. I am so thankful that Ethan took charge this morning. What a long week this has been.

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