Chandler was cremated today. Wow, that was hard to say.
Ethan and I drove out to Long Island to Regency Forest Pet Memorial Park for it. When we walked into the office guess what song was playing on the radio... Yup, "My Life Would Suck Without You." That was Chandler letting me know he is OK. I of course started crying. We then went down to the funeral home. I was terrified to go in. Ethan went in to identify Chandler. He then came to get me to say it was OK for me to go in. They had Chandler laid on a blanket on his his side, like he was asleep. He was covered so only his head was showing. We pulled the blanket down so that we could fully see him. He looked so peaceful. No scars showing, no harness. Just my beautiful little boy. I got to pet him and then give him a final kiss good-bye. Ethan went with him to the other room and put a rose and a lily in with him.
We waited until it was all over and then brought his ashes home in a pretty wood box with a rose carved into it. When Ethan went through this with Blackie 4 years ago, I thought it was weird for him to talk to the box with Blackie's remains in it. However, I found myself doing just that. When I put the box in the back seat, I said, "you stay here," just like I did when he was going for a ride in the car. When we got home, it was, "come on buddy." I get it now.
This was a sad sad day. Not as horrible as last week. Just really sad. I know Chandler's spirit was already free and this was only his shell. But it was still so hard. Ethan told me that this was our revenge on the cancer - the cancer took him from us and now we were destroying the cancer.
I miss him. I feel like a part of me is gone. And it is. Chandler is waiting for me at Rainbow Bridge. Someday we will be reunited forever. Until that time, I have my memories of him. He will always live in my heart. He was such a special little person.
I love you Chandler.