Tuesday, June 16, 2009

One Last Kiss

Chandler was cremated today. Wow, that was hard to say.

Ethan and I drove out to Long Island to Regency Forest Pet Memorial Park for it. When we walked into the office guess what song was playing on the radio... Yup, "My Life Would Suck Without You." That was Chandler letting me know he is OK. I of course started crying. We then went down to the funeral home. I was terrified to go in. Ethan went in to identify Chandler. He then came to get me to say it was OK for me to go in. They had Chandler laid on a blanket on his his side, like he was asleep. He was covered so only his head was showing. We pulled the blanket down so that we could fully see him. He looked so peaceful. No scars showing, no harness. Just my beautiful little boy. I got to pet him and then give him a final kiss good-bye. Ethan went with him to the other room and put a rose and a lily in with him.

We waited until it was all over and then brought his ashes home in a pretty wood box with a rose carved into it. When Ethan went through this with Blackie 4 years ago, I thought it was weird for him to talk to the box with Blackie's remains in it. However, I found myself doing just that. When I put the box in the back seat, I said, "you stay here," just like I did when he was going for a ride in the car. When we got home, it was, "come on buddy." I get it now.

This was a sad sad day. Not as horrible as last week. Just really sad. I know Chandler's spirit was already free and this was only his shell. But it was still so hard. Ethan told me that this was our revenge on the cancer - the cancer took him from us and now we were destroying the cancer.

I miss him. I feel like a part of me is gone. And it is. Chandler is waiting for me at Rainbow Bridge. Someday we will be reunited forever. Until that time, I have my memories of him. He will always live in my heart. He was such a special little person.

I love you Chandler.


  1. Chandler's memory will live with you forever... always talk about him, never forget him and cherish the love that he gave you...

    Put life into perspective...
    Never assume or expect anything and live today as if it were your last!!!

    My friends I am so glad I met you... even though we are miles apart I feel that we are
    true friends... my thoughts are with you... x

  2. Hi,

    I am a friend of Tara's and she offered me this link because I am a "dog person" and she knew that I would understand your grief.

    Our little doggie friends enrich our lives so much while they are here. It is a shame that they just do not live as long as we do.

    We kept our last two dogs' remains in a lovely wood block as well. My son, who was old enough to be with us when our beagle girls each reached that moment when veterinary intervention was needed, wanted to have those. I have never kept any other dog's remains before, but I too experienced that odd sense of comfort you mentioned. I know it was EXTREMELY important to my son. He wanted to "bring them home." He often told me, when I woud cry after each had passed, that I should not be too sad. They are still here with us. He was 8 when the last one passed.

    Take care of your other sweet pups. They understand your sadness. It hurts to lose our special little ones, but they lived very wonderful lives because of the love you and Ethan gave them. Somewhere lives another who needs you and will find you, one way or another. Perhaps with Chandler's help.

    Take care,


  3. Everything about this process- from getting sick, dying and crossing over, and the goodbye and cremation- all of it was peaceful. This was very befitting of Chandler as he lived his life this way. Though vocal and sometimes stubborn, he lived and infused his surroundings with a quiet, sweet and loving tranquility. Of course his illness and death would be so.

    It's amazing that a little 8 lb dog can make a 4 bedroom home with 2 other people and 2 other dogs feel so empty. And, in time, this will be the new normal. But for now, we feel the emptiness. The sadness. The missing him. And this is our living testament to him; You were here Chandler Suchman. You mattered to us. We loved you very much and we still do. We always will as we take you forward into our lives, in our hearts.