Not Sure What to Say

This is getting harder to write every day.

Chandler is not doing well. His breathing is around 35 breaths/minute. Normal is below 26. I have a nebulizer for him to help make breathing easier. Yesterday he barely ate anything. Today he finally ate some food. That made me feel a little better, but not much.

Ethan had a very candid talk with Dr. Mlekoday today. She saw Chandler yesterday when he came in for the visit and said he didn't look like Chandler. It is looking like a matter of days now. So I am working from home for the next few days to be with him as much as possible.

I love him so much. I cannot imagine a life without him. As my friend Beth said, he is my forever dog. It is killing me to see him like this. Watching him slowly leave is torture. His mind is still there, but his little body is giving out. He has given me so much love. I only hope that I gave him even a fraction of what he has given me.

Chandler and I have always had a very special connection that few people can understand. Normally I can tell how he is feeling and know when something is wrong. Lately though I haven't been able to feel him the same way. It is as if a part of me is disappearing. Playing the "what if" game isn't helping: What if I found the tumor sooner? I know it likely wouldn't have made any difference. I just would have known about this longer.

I know when he goes, he has so many friends waiting for him: Kristy, Bravo, Eli, Sugar, but that doesn't help too much. I want him here with me.

I took these photos today of my and my boy.

I love you Chandler. Now and always.