Good-bye My Little Buddy.

At 4:46PM, Thursday June 11, 2009, my beloved little buddy Chandler passed away in my arms. Those of you who had the pleasure of knowing him, know what an amazing person he was. Chandler filled my life with so much love.

Over the past 2 months, Chandler was fighting cancer. He was so strong and went through so much. In the end though, his body just could not last.

He was my constant for almost 14 years. I first met Chandler June 18, 1995, in Pocahontus, IL. He was this little ball of black and brown fur that came running up to me and jumped into my arms. I knew in an instant that we were meant to be together. I have so many wonderful memories of our time together. He was always there to greet me when I came in the door. It didn't matter how long I was gone, he was always happy when I came home. From long trips he would greet me, and then walk away as if to punish me. He wouldn't come to me, but he wouldn't let me out of his sight either.

Chandler and I had a connection that defied reason. I knew when he was hurting. I could understand him in ways no one else could. All he ever wanted was a lap to sit on. He had a wonderful life full of people and animals who loved him.

Chandler and I grew up together. He raised me as much as I raised him. He taught me a depth of love that I didn't know existed. He taught me a level of responsibility that I will always treasure.

Chandler, I love you with all my heart. I will miss seeing you every day. You are now at peace. There is no more pain. You are able to run and play with your friends. You can chase squirrels, ducks and pidgeons to your heart's content. Farewell my friend, my companion, my dear sweet little man.

Our Song

When we took Chandler home from his first surgery 2 months, the first song I heard on the radio was Kelly Clarkson's "My Life Would Suck Without You." While the lyrics weren't right on, the thought of my life sicking without Chandler was correct. When we got home and I went up stairs, the song was again playing. Everytime we drove home from the vet and came in the house, the song was playing. To me this meant this was Chandler's and my song. I changed the lyrics to fit, so with respect to Ms. Clarkson, I present, "My Life Will Suck Without You."

I know that soon you’re leaving
It’s so hard to say good-bye
You have always been there
You’re my little guy
All you ever wanted
Was a lap to lay on
Anytime I’d sit down
You’d come right along

‘Cause we belong together now, yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You are a part of me
And honestly
My life, will suck, without you


Maybe I was stupid, for wishing you’d never go
Maybe I was wrong for believing it was so.
I know that I will miss you
I love you with all my heart
Saying good-bye to you is tearing me apart.

‘Cause we belong together now, yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You are a part of me
And honestly
My life, will suck, without you


Being with you
Has made my life so great
From the first day we met
I hoped we’d never part.


‘Cause we belong together now, yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You are a part of me
And honestly
My life, will suck, without you

Not Sure What to Say

This is getting harder to write every day.

Chandler is not doing well. His breathing is around 35 breaths/minute. Normal is below 26. I have a nebulizer for him to help make breathing easier. Yesterday he barely ate anything. Today he finally ate some food. That made me feel a little better, but not much.

Ethan had a very candid talk with Dr. Mlekoday today. She saw Chandler yesterday when he came in for the visit and said he didn't look like Chandler. It is looking like a matter of days now. So I am working from home for the next few days to be with him as much as possible.

I love him so much. I cannot imagine a life without him. As my friend Beth said, he is my forever dog. It is killing me to see him like this. Watching him slowly leave is torture. His mind is still there, but his little body is giving out. He has given me so much love. I only hope that I gave him even a fraction of what he has given me.

Chandler and I have always had a very special connection that few people can understand. Normally I can tell how he is feeling and know when something is wrong. Lately though I haven't been able to feel him the same way. It is as if a part of me is disappearing. Playing the "what if" game isn't helping: What if I found the tumor sooner? I know it likely wouldn't have made any difference. I just would have known about this longer.

I know when he goes, he has so many friends waiting for him: Kristy, Bravo, Eli, Sugar, but that doesn't help too much. I want him here with me.

I took these photos today of my and my boy.

I love you Chandler. Now and always.

I Spoke too Soon

Yes, Chandler has recovered from surgery. In fact, his stitches came out today. However, over the past few days, we've noticed that his breathing is getting faster and shallower. Not good. While he doesn't appear to be in any discomfort at all, this is not a good sign. So while he was getting his stitches removed, he got a chest x-ray. It appears that the mets in his lungs are bigger than they were 3 weeks ago.

I know we are dealing with cancer. I get it. But come on. Hasn't he been through enough? Can't he have a little time with nothing wrong?

June 18th will be 14 years from when Chandler and I first met. The 23rd will be the 14th anniversary of when he came to live with me. I hope that we'll make it to those dates. 14 years. Please let me have that.

10 days later

Chandler had the second surgery 10 days ago. Now it is like nothing happened. Within a week he was back to "normal." He gets the stitches out on Wednesday.

We are now working with a holistic vet, Dr. Bernstein, to help Chandler. The holistic approach is treating Chandler, not his cancer. We've also switched him off processed dog food to a raw food diet. So far, he is loving the food. I tried giving him his old wet food with the new raw and he ate around it. Everyday Chandler gets a variety of remedies to help boost his immune system and get him well.

Why Do It?

I was asked the other day, why I am doing this. This being putting Chandler through surgery again. The asker said, "wouldn't just be better to put him down?" This sums up why I did it:

Round 2, Post-Op Day #1

So Chandler made it through the night with little issues. When I called at 10 PM last night they said he had already been taken out of the ICU and brought into the inpatient unit. That was great. His vitals were normal and he was eating well.

This morning at 6 AM, they said he had an uneventful night, and that he was eating VORACIOUSLY. This is great. Dogs often lose their appetites after surgery (like last time) and this go around little Channy is HUNGRY and EATING. It also helps that we fed him 100% his favorite wet food. So what's not to eat, right?

Anyway, Michael got to visit wil him this morning around 9:45 and took the pics posted here. They shaved him. BIG TIME! But he's looking good, he was happy to see Michael and he ate all the breakfast that Michael fed him. They had him on Fentanyl last night overnight for pain relief. This morning they took him off the Fentanyl IV drip, and only have the patch on. They did this last time. The patch will stay on for a few days and this will, hopefully, be more than enough to deal with the pain around the scar/incision site.

Looks like our little boy will be coming home this afternoon. And we can't wait!



close up on the scar... looks clean.